2017-08-10 - 1:00 a.m.
Jack Is On The Verge Of Having A Dark Night Of The Everything
I am not okay.
I have no idea how I am going to sleep. If I am going to sleep. Fuck sleep.
Yeah I say that now. Until it's 5am and I am wide awake borderline psychotic.
Then it's not so funny anymore. I am not laughing now. Inside I am screaming.
I am on the verge of a dark night of the everything. Not just the soul. The heart.
The verge of total nihilistic darkness and insanity.
It feels like the Universe is trying to break me, but I keep resisting. So it tries harder and harder. Like I NEED to break for my own good. The greater good. Something like that. Maybe I need to for my disability case? I don't know.
I don't know what I fucking believe in anymore.
Maybe it was all just magical thinking. It was all just faces in the wood grain and I believed in them. I am fucking stupid. Crazy. Nuts. Completely delusional.
There is not much difference between me and the schizophrenic who believes God is talking through the air conditioner.
I am more fucking gone than I thought.
And part of me still believes. Even as my soul is shutting down.
But really, don't we all think our magical thinking is different? Special. Unique. True? It's not the same as the others. They're crazy. This only sounds crazy because you don't believe. But it's the truth. The real truth.
It's not magical thinking. It's spiritual.
Enlightenment is really just a form of psychosis.
And we're all fucking mad.
Some time, I should write an entry about some of my magical thinking and you'd see what I mean. But now is not the time. I feel too embarrassed, crazy and stupid. I am in too much pain.
My stupid schizo heart is broken. Shattered.
This is the last thing I fucking needed right now. I am already dealing with too much. Completely fucking overwhelmed.
The days don't even feel like the days. (They are.)
Did yesterday really happen yesterday?
I don't know what day it is because the whole sequence feels wrong and completely off somehow. The days just don't feel the way they should.
Everything is running together.
And my mind is running down hill.
Faster and faster.
Tripping on itself.
Taking itself down.
Jack Is Out Of Spoons - 2017-08-07
Jack Is Going To Crack (3) - 2017-08-04
Jack Is Going To Crack (2) - 2017-08-03
Jack Is Going To Crack - 2017-08-03