2017-10-01 - 12:31 a.m.
Jack Needs To Calm The Fuck Down
I spent most of the day hiding in bed. Wearing a hat. A hood pulled down over my head.
Just fucking hiding.
Everything is freaking me the fuck out. Everything.
Every little thing means something. Something bad.
I just want the bad numerology acid trip to stop.
The burning roof is going to cave in and drop on me any second now.
I am beginning to have paranoid thoughts. Even my therapist is in on it. Until I realize my paranoia.
I don't trust anyone or anything.
Everything wants to fuck me. Hurt me. Even more.
I don't trust myself.
I am that creepy barely hinged metal screen door swaying in the breeze.
Yeah I am completely manic.
I feel angry, defiant and crazy. Giddy madness. Self destructive. Strangely turned on. By even stranger things.
I want to just hide inside myself. Don't touch me.
I want to just hide inside you. I wish someone would hold me.
I feel terrifyingly weak, thorny and small. A bit of tangled barbed wire. Shaking angry and cold.
It's the worst at night.
I don't feel safe. I can't sleep.
The anxiety nearly kills me. Every night.
I have to remind myself that I will feel better in the morning. If I can make through the night. Without collapsing on myself.
All the wired highs and lows.
I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to laugh.
I want to wake up and realize I am dreaming. Just go fucking crazy. Fuck this big stupid waking lucid dream.
At least half the time I lucid dream, I do something crazy.
I've been having the strangest compulsions. Maybe I will tell you some time.
I am Jack's Laughing Psycho Sexual Exhibitionism
But when I am out, I am so well behaved. A little weird. But well behaved.
I am so super extra friendly. Smiling and talking to strangers. Talking up everyone. Like we live in a small town.
That is usually one of the first signs I am manic. My talkative lack of social anxiety.
These short misfired bursts of "happiness".
Spending more money than usual or spending it more freely.
However I would not have left the house today if I did not have to buy food for the cats. Probably would have barely left my bed. Still I had a nice enough time. Probably too nice.
I picked up some "Ativan Wine". It feels like an airport reunion in my mouth.
I also picked up a new box cutter. It was just laying there on the shelf at the dollar store. Some employee carelessly left it there. Not a box or even a scrap of cardboard or packing tape in sight.
It's a good thing I found it and not some kid.
Yeah you tell yourself that.
I picked it up to keep it nice and safe. Only to find it too ergonomically sexy. The way it fit in my hand. The knifesturbation. There are two different ways to flick this thing and they both feel good.
Sorry. Finders keepers.
This one's mine.
Yeah I have a knife fetish. Yeah I have this little thing with compulsively buying box cutters. Maybe I will tell you about that too some day.
It's no worse than stealing a pen. Which I am also guilty of. I kind of have a pen fetish too. Particularly for found or stolen pens.
I was going to do the right thing and turn it in. Like I always do.
But I am tired of it. You would be surprised how often I find these really nice box cutters left laying around on store shelves. Where kids or crazy people like me can find them.
(It seems like I find box cutters and razor blades laying around everywhere.)
So I took it.
Fuck it. ;^)
I really am all over the place.
I need to get it out. Keep getting it out. Collect and compose myself.
She is not going to come to me. I have to go to her. If she will even take me back.
Yeah she triggered me and threw me into a manic episode. A manic episode that will not just magically go away once we resolve this. If we resolve it.
But I can not blame her for my mental illness or take it out on her. It is no excuse to be an abusive monster. I was already in a fragile place. She was just the feather that broke me.
I am right and wrong.
She is right and wrong.
There are two sides to every story.
I hope this one has a happy ending.
Jack Thinks About What He Has Done - 2017-09-29
Jack's Late Night Venting Update - 2017-09-27
Jack's Late Night Venting (2) - 2017-09-22
Jack's Late Night Venting - 2017-09-21