2017-05-12 - 10:15 p.m.
Jack's Constant Paranoid Insecurity
I am Jack's Constant Paranoid Insecurity.
In my mind, I am a stupid asshole piece of shit. A hopeless wreck.
I am always on thin ice. Walking the razor's edge. Just waiting for it. Slipping. Falling. Splitting the whole thing wide open. Already internally bleeding to death just off the fear.
In my head, everyone I care about is going to leave me.
They are tired of me. Done with me.
Always right about to leave me
Maybe they are already gone and I just don't know it yet.
Anyone I give a shit about is getting sick of my shit.
They are sick of my pathetic insecurity. Sick of me always thinking they are mad at me. Sick of my compulsive apologizing. Sick of having to constantly reassure me when it "does no good". Sick of my intensity. Sick of my self absorbed depression. Sick of my disappearances. Sick of my long dissociated radio silences. Sick of me creating distance because I don't want you to get too close, just so you can leave me. Sick of my protecting you from me. Sick of my completely ridiculous insulting lack of trust.
You think it's fun for me?
It's a fucking nightmare.
And it's my fucking fault.
I am a double edged blade. I cut me. I cut you.
I just hurt myself and everyone else.
And I can't stop.
I don't know how to love.
But it does not mean that I don't feel it. That I don't need it.
Maybe I love you so much I am always afraid of losing you. Taking one wrong breath and blowing you away like a dandelion dream.
I crave the raw, the real, intensity. True catharsis and connection. Closeness. Vulnerability.
My mind wants to connect with your mind.
My energy wants to be with your energy.
I want something fucking real. In friendship and in love. In every area of my life.
When I finally find it, have it, it means everything to me.
I don't know what do with it. Do I even deserve you?
I love it, but my hands shake. I am so weak. I don't want to drop you. Break you. Hurt you. Lose you. Ever.
When I love, it is for real. It is forever.
But the way I act, you probably would never guess.
I don't know how to appropriately show affection.
I am cold but my blood is warm. My heart beats too fast. Too hard.
I try to control what I have no control over. Play it safe. But I never feel safe. I just want a warm, lasting sense of security.
No one ever knows how deep I love.
I don't know how to love you.
I don't know how to love me.
I don't know how to just be.
A friend. A lover. Myself. Freely. Openly. Without doubt. Without fear.
Jack Lets Down Some Of His Silent Charade - 2017-06-25
Jack Is Never Okay - 2017-06-16
Jack's After Thoughts On His Paranoid Insecurity - 2017-05-17
Jack's Constant Paranoid Insecurity - 2017-05-12