2009-10-15 - 9:09 p.m.
Jack's Silent Filed Down Instincts
A few weeks ago at work, I found these words laying on a booth seat.
Folded up into an almost bullet shape.
"Use your instincts..."
The reverse side caught my attention first.
It said "Mango."
I smiled.
Don't ask.
Then turned it over and immediately put it in my pocket.
Mine.
These words found me for a reason.
I felt an immediate sense of importance.
After hoarding these words safely in my pocket, I stopped to think about them.
Instincts.
Where mine should be, there is just this filed down silence.
The only instinct that seems to be working is my sex drive.
But I know the fortune is not only talking about sex.
It means me.
As an animal whole.
There is domesticated but unhappy Jack, and wild instinctual survivalist Tyler.
My life right now is an awkward combination of the two.
I know and have known that I am unhappy and this is not going to be able to go on much longer.
This little excuse for a personal ecosystem has been destabilizing for years and losing sustainability.
More than ever I need my instincts.
I need to be able to trust myself. Enough, to be able to hear and feel them again.
Instead of hiding behind self loathing, fear and the path of least resistance-domestication that does all the thinking for me.
Maybe there is a reason for the resentful feeling of being left to my own devices.
My devices are my powerful natural instincts.
And I've become too much of a pet.
And it isn't making me happy.
Just convinced that I am weak.
Jack's Wind Burned Bleeding Nipples - 2009-11-03
Jack's Lickable Mind - 2009-10-30
Jack's Silent Filed Down Instincts - 2009-10-15
Jack Wanders Through Everyone Else's Friday Night - 2009-10-09
