2009-10-09 - 7:37 p.m.
Jack Wanders Through Everyone Else's Friday Night
It's dark and cold.
Pissing rain.
I am driving.
Heading for my least favorite place to shop. On a Friday night.
I ask myself, what am I doing?
I guess I've been feeling existential and stupid.
Seriously though, what the hell am I doing?
Something about the changing seasons makes me stop and take notice.
And I start feeling somewhere between dead and alive.
I kind of want to burn this feeling's face with cigarettes until I can not recognize it anymore.
It would still find a way to find me.
It is trying to tell me something.
Jack, this is you dying.
This is you dying and trying to remember what it felt like to live.
But the only thing I am trying to remember right now is what I came for.
Cereal.
Coffee creamer.
I am here because it is better than living off fucking ramen. These days, unless I am really in the mood, ramen tastes and feels like noodles suspended in some warm bodily fluid. Warm salty piss. Maybe semen.
I've moved on.
I am out of the car wandering through everyone else's Friday night.
The under priveledged finally got underpaid.
Like me, they're just trying to live the best they can.
But I can not help but hate contributing to this place. Partaking of the fat corporation.
Being part of the low life infestation feeding on its buttery warm dripping underbelly.
Feeding it as it feeds off us.
A funny kind of destructive symbiosis.
These days I try to be mindful of who I support.
But well, sometimes the check is little short.
As I walk, I think about what I am doing.
I think about my stupid job and the life I have outgrown.
And I realize, I feel lost.
I don't belong here. I don't fucking belong anywhere.
Nothing feels right about this.
It sounds like a massacre at a daycare center in here.
I fucking hate this place.
What are these kids going to be like at 20?
A better question would be what are they going to be like at 30.
I kind of feel like just putting everything down and leaving.
I don't want to need or want anything.
I wish it didn't matter when I did.
I wished this night could be something other than what it is.
For a second, I imagined that I was on a beer run for me and Tyler. That our night was just beginning.
I remembered good times back in Isolation.
Hard cider. Drinking with friends on the internet.
I pretended that I was passing time, waiting to meet some girl over at Border's over a coffee or maybe a hot spiced chai.
Then I sank a little lower into myself when I remembered none of it was true.
A quiet devastating sadness.
A strange reclusive loneliness. For myself.
For a life that feels like mine instead of a fucking calendar. Paycheck. Work scedule.
In a masturbatory way, I miss myself.
Jack's Wind Burned Bleeding Nipples - 2009-11-03
Jack's Lickable Mind - 2009-10-30
Jack's Silent Filed Down Instincts - 2009-10-15
Jack Wanders Through Everyone Else's Friday Night - 2009-10-09
