2009-08-31 - 8:31 p.m.
Addict Jack Is Pissed Because He Can Not Feel It Anymore
Something isn't right.
Something about my medication has been off.
Maybe I have calmed down enough to where it has started depressing me. Because it is a depressant. And it has nothing left to do.
I don't know.
Something has been off since I started this new bottle.
It doesn't feel right.
In the middle of the night I slept walked to the kitchen to make sure it was the same generic brand. Same dosage. Same everything. Except the funny brown orange "last call" bottle that I always seem to get the last time this particular prescription has been filled.
I was sure that it was a placebo.
Not like something on the bottle would let me know. But I inspected it closely anyway. Looking for anything that seemed "off."
You thought you could fool me.
I am still wondering if maybe this prescription is something else. Maybe little chalk tablets.
What if my doctor has quietly been weaning me off without me knowing it.
Because he wanted to save me the mostly psychological terror bitch of withdrawl.
If he says anything that even suggests that I don't need to be taking my medication anymore, I am going to be very suspicious.
This is not good.
This is me not trusting my medication or the people trying to help me.
This is my paranoia lurking where it really does not belong.
Self sabotage trying to do what it does best.
But no amount of self sabotage can change the feeling of my medication. Unless maybe I need a dose adjustment. Higher? Lower?
I could experiment with it myself and figure it out.
But that probably is not a good idea.
The white coats about shit their pants when I suggest or confess to any unauthorized changes to the prescribed regimen.
"You can't do that!"
According to them this is not something I want to mess with by myself.
Yeah well the first time I was on it, I was left completely to my own devices and I was ok. Except that time I drank too much.
Yeah well, I was also much better off then.
If anything, the doctor does not want me off until I am positive that I am ok. That I can handle my life.
The danger of an even worse relapse is high.
Even if something seems off, I can not let my paranoia make this shit up. I especially can not let myself start believing it
I need to make an appointment before this bottle runs out.
I am not sure if I want to bring this up or not.
Though I know I should.
What if I am developing a resistance to it?
What if it is just doing what it is supposed to? Working quietly in the background, and addict me is pissed that I can not feel it anymore.
You're not panicking anymore, right?
Yes but...
Jack's Sick Violent Thoughts - 2009-09-03
Maybe Jack Needs To Make His Problem Yours - 2009-09-02
This Isn't Jack's Sudden Tolerance, It's His Withdrawal - 2009-09-02
Jack Is Bored Of The Wonders Of Captivity - 2009-08-31
