2009-03-30 - 11:35 p.m.
Once Upon A Time In Jack's Wildest Dreams
Sometimes it's hard to believe that something so real happened in my head.
Sometimes it's even harder to accept that it is gone.
My heartache is real.
I can't just click on the X and close it out.
This is my real heart feeling real pain.
This is me missing real people that never happened.
There has been an intensity missing from my life for years. An intensity I will probably never be able to find again.
I feel like I left my heart back in the years 2003-2004.
Life has obviously gone on.
Even if I haven't completely.
I am taking the medication I probably should have been taking back then. Only I didn't need it then, the way I do now.
One of the side effects of some head injuries is emotional instability.
The doctor said the area I was hit was of particular concern. He prescribed Paxil and suggested I start taking it, even though I was still too out of it to feel anything beyond sleepy almost drunken confusion.
A few days later, I began experiencing the volatility he promised.
Mostly in the form of uncontrolled anger and violent outbursts.
I became very volatile, unstable and moody.
Even when I took my medication to control my anger, everything still felt unusually intense.
Then again I only took it for one month. I know I needed to take it for at least the rest of that year. Maybe I even needed a stronger dose. But I could not afford the $80 a month. There was no generic at the time.
I told myself that I did not need it anymore.
But I probably actually did.
My unmedicated brain learned new habits.
One of my worst fears was that the head injury changed me. It has taken me years, but I can finally admit I never was quite the same.
I am definitely a more volatile person.
However, I don't regret not taking medication. At the time, I needed to feel everything. Even if in extremes.
I became addicted to that intensity.
It was like a drug experience.
One of the memories I miss the most about Isolation, is the way I felt everything.
The way I closed my eyes and felt music.
The almost drugged way I felt when listening to Nights In White Satin. My skin almost seemed to ripple as my brain leaked warm seratonin down my back.
"Just what the truth is, I can't say anymore, cause I love you..."
"Just what you want to be, you will be in the end..."
I was such a possessive pisshead romantic. But a romantic none the less.
Sometimes the intensity of some songs and what they meant to me at the time, had me crying at my computer desk.
This overwhelming love I was feeling was confusing sometimes. It was almost more than I could take, but I never wanted it to end.
Suddenly I was feeling everything on raw exposed nerves.
And I miss that hard hitting intensity.
Even when it punched me in the stomach and I couldn't breathe.
I feel a little strange for admitting it, but I fell in love over the internet. And I fell harder than I ever did in real life, with only one exception.
In my mind, these pseudo-relationships that never really were, were something. They probably meant more to me, but I never want to know for sure. Sometimes it can be hard to remember, they never were and never happened.
There were people I loved as friends, sisters, and incredible writers.
There are people who just stopped writing or disappeared.
But I will never forget them.
I had some of the best conversations in my life with friends online.
I miss getting drunk and having coffee together.
I miss talking until the sun came up. I'll never forget that oddly romantic coffee I had that time.
I miss the way I spent almost every day this way. Same time. Same place.
You and me.
"Once beneath the stars
The universe was ours
Love was all we knew
And all I knew was you
I wonder if you know
I wonder if you think about it
Once upon a time
In your wildest dreams"
-In your Wildest Dreams, The Moody Blues
Jack Should Take His Own Advice - 2009-06-11
Jack Feels Like Going Crazy, But He Can't - 2009-05-06
Jack's Pathetic Terrified Little Extinction - 2009-04-14
Jack Wakes Up To The Sound Of Music Slowly Disappearing From His Head - 2009-04-10
