2009-03-06 - 9:07 p.m.
Jack's Restless Secret Thoughts
Continued...
There are just things I can not deal with right now.
Some of them I will probably never be able to.
And I feel like all of them know exactly where I am.
That is why I have had my phone off most of the week.
It feels like all I have been doing is sleeping. Fucking hiding.
From everyone and everything.
Even if I ran away from my life, it would find me.
Even if no one ever did.
But that does not stop me from having these thoughts.
I am Jack's Restless Secret Thoughts.
Sometimes at work, I look out the windows across the street at the Paper Street House. It looks amazingly close to the house in the movie. Just a little smaller and in a lot better condition.
Sometimes I see a light on. I imagine Tyler up making soap. I imagine myself walking across the street, and into the movie.
Other times I imagine just leaving. At that hour, no one is there to stop me. I get on the train tracks and just start walking.
Sometimes something gets into me.
Especially this time of year.
Something comes over me.
I am Jack's Destructive Desires For Liberation.
Things are not really that bad, yet I still feel this way.
Restless.
Trapped.
Owned.
Powerless to change anything the "right" way. Would anything really change?
Maybe I wouldn't feel this way if there was somewhere I could go to get away. Even for a little while. I need somewhere new. Somewhere none of this can find me yet.
Maybe I wouldn't feel this way if I felt I had more of a say in things. If my life was really mine. If I had control.
Right now, I feel like I could change everything and somehow it would still feel the same.
No matter what I did.
No matter where I went.
It would still be the same.
I could change everything without changing a thing.
Somehow, I would still be right where I am now.
I know what I really want.
And I am tired of not being able to ever have it.
Jack Contemplates Love And The Internet - 2009-03-30
Jack Is Selfish And Self Absorbed (2) - 2009-03-20
Jack Is Selfish And Self Absorbed - 2009-03-20
Jack Plays Therapist (And A Manipulative Little Shit) - 2009-03-20
