2009-01-16 - 8:28 p.m.
Tyler Would Love To Take The World Off My Shoulders
Right now I am supposed to be re-connecting with my "postive inner male". Instead I find myself reasoning with my inner Tyler.
My motivation for doing the societally expected, self efficient "right thing" is hardly pure.
I explained to Tyler today that I am not in a position to fall into the fugitive free state.
Unemployment is not a given.
I have become afraid and learned not to trust. Maybe I am just learning.
If I stayed where I am secretly waiting and hoping for everything to explode and fall apart, it would only blow up in my face.
I would be left laying face down in a very compromising position.
I would have to take the first shit job that took me.
I would be fucked.
In the mean time, I would go into debt living off my credit card. Before that happened I would have to spend my gun money.
And that felt like the only motivation that really seemed to matter. The only "positive" motivation in this fucking mess.
"If you keep going, you will be able to get your gun." I told myself.
Tyler nodded, smiled pensively and agreed.
"Yeah, that is true. You're right. As long as there is something in it for you."
And what he means is as long as I get something out of this.
As long as I have a reason, other than the fear of debt and desperation.
Tyler would love to take the world off my shoulders.
He doesn't understand why I do this to myself.
The truth is, I would love to let him.
But for now at least I found a good reason not to.
A good reason to keep doing this to myself.
After I get what I want, it might be a different story.
Jack Is A Double Edged Blade - 2009-02-26
Then It Was Time For Jack To Shut Up - 2009-02-26
Jack Says Good Bye To A Friend - 2009-01-22
Jack Is Human Or Just Weak - 2009-01-22
