2009-01-12 - 5:51 p.m.
Jack's Tangential Thoughts On The Last Entry
After writing that last entry I feel the need to elaborate. That or a desperate approval seeking need to justify myself for saying such stupid "terrible" depressing things.
It is incredible how pathetic and insecure I have become. The way I pull my punches. That or immediately apologize for them.
Even here, the one place I gave myself to be as terrible as I want.
Sometimes I even apologize in therapy. For myself. For things I say. For saying those dark things I would not even say here.
Sometimes I apologize for not having enough to say. For being too sedate and boring. For heaven forbid, feeling a little lighter hearted for no reason.
Sometimes I feel like a man with no country, wandering the wasteland of my mind. Making graffiti of my thoughts but nothing you could call writing or even art. Scratches and marks on paper.
Waste paper piling up around my house. Secret papers that I can never let be seen, but can never throw away. These papers are my thoughts. They are parts of me. In the rough.
They are parts of me that I do not know what else to do with. I am fucking sick of apologizing. I am fucking sick of the validation game.
I am fucking sick of sitting in a white room wondering what people think of me.
I am fucking sick of watching myself being watched. Losing my nerve. Losing my last remaining sense of self.
This was the one place I was never supposed to be sorry.
For anything I said, thought, felt or did.
Now that place is every surface in my house.
Maybe it is not a coincidence that I seem to write the scratchings of my thoughts, then hide them.
Even from myself.
Jack Says Good Bye To A Friend - 2009-01-22
Jack Is Human Or Just Weak - 2009-01-22
Tyler Would Love To Take The World Off My Shoulders - 2009-01-16
Jack's Self Violent Thoughts - 2009-01-13
