2008-12-24 - 3:47 p.m.
Jack's Christmas That Wasn't
For weeks I have been having dreams that suddenly I realize Christmas is over.
Somehow it had happened without me even noticing or knowing.
It was as if a time lapse had occured. This was very disorienting and confusing when on some level, even in my sleep I knew that Thanksgiving had not even happened yet.
As the weeks passed, the dreams became less confusing and more something that I just accepted. Time lapses happen. Days disappear. Strange.
In less than a day, soon it will be true. Christmas really will be over. Despite the fact that somehow it never really arrived.
This year was different.
This year was like nothing I have ever seen or did not experience.
With the economy disentegrating in a slow burn around us, I had the feeling that I was not the only one just walking through the motions. No one felt it.
I feel sorry for people who have kids.
I wonder how many kids were forced to stop believing in Santa Claus and face the same depressing financial reality their parents are.
Christmas is for kids. As well as the religious and the retail corporations.
My therapist told me that I am not the only one who feels like I have to do things for "their" holiday. This is definitely not my holiday.
This year it does not feel like anyone's holiday.
No one's heart is in it.
If it was not for lower gas prices I would not have been able to participate. Even on the small scaled down level that I am.
Still all this giving has been leaving me feeling spent.
It is sad that giving translates to spending.
And that spending is the last thing most people want to do right now.
It is the last thing some people can do right now.
And there are people who probably went through the same thing spending money on me.
I feel guilty that they did.
I am not in the mood to give or receive.
I am an asshole. I don't deserve it.
Nothing feels right about this year.
Everyone feels the same way I do.
Jack's Self Violent Thoughts - 2009-01-13
Jack's Tangential Thoughts On The Last Entry - 2009-01-12
Jack Begins Another Year - 2009-01-12
Jack's Christmas That Wasn't (2) - 2008-12-24
