2008-12-24 - 3:50 p.m.
Jack's Christmas That Wasn't (2)
Please read the entry before this one. Thanks.
Continued...
Nothing feels right.
Even I do not feel right.
I am not sure I am feeling much at all.
What is Christmas without terrifying social anxiety and self loathing?
That was kind of a joke to myself, but seriously.
I am handling things a little better this year than I usually do. Thanks mostly to being on medication and going to therapy.
Usually by this time I have made myself sick.
Every year I get so upset I give myself self induced bronchitis for Christmas. Every winter I become so sick that I start to wonder if I have pheumonia. Am I dying?
This medicated peace through indifference is still strange to get used to sometimes. Though I would have to be on valium to be completely at peace with seeing my family tomorrow.
I have been feeling kind of numb and depressed, but that is better than becoming physically ill. Over them. And their stupid holiday.
But maybe that was how I celebrated Christmas.
By berating myself.
By making myself sick.
I am just not feeling much of anything right now.
There is nothing to love or hate.
This year there are not even the little things I like.
Every year my landlord and I have gone to this Italian restaurant for Christmas. This year, it is not going to happen.
One year we saw a movie. The Polar Express at the IMAX. He loves trains.
That is not going to happen either.
After this is all over, it will be like it never happened.
Tyler Would Love To Take The World Off My Shoulders - 2009-01-16
Jack's Self Violent Thoughts - 2009-01-13
Jack's Tangential Thoughts On The Last Entry - 2009-01-12
Jack Begins Another Year - 2009-01-12
