2008-10-22 - 6:18 p.m.
Jack Is Still Fighting His Antagonist (2)
***Please read the last entry first, thank you.***
Continued...
There are much worse things that could have happened to me.
There are much worse things that still could happen to me.
We live in one fucked up and dangerous world.
That might be the part that scares me the most.
The part that makes me feel guilty and sick when I think about my stupid little scars. Then compare them to other people's. That could have been me. Or maybe that person. God.
I am Jack's Could Be Survivor Guilt.
Somehow I feel like the kindred victim. Almost a nauseous empathy and fear. Then I feel helpless, and angry, and wish I was just dead. The world is sickening. That could have been me. But why did it have to be anyone? Somehow it happening to someone else makes it seem that much closer to happening to me too. It occured somewhere in this reality. Therefore it has materialized as a real threat.
And my therapist wants me to work on laying down arms, mentally and physically.
I was a victim.
I still am a victim, having been victimized.
Being a victim is something that never completely washes off.
But today I realized, I am also a survivor.
I wish that I could declare and accept that as some sort of triumph.
Maybe someday.
As long as my past makes me feel dirty, I will never be whole.
The word "survivor" immediately brings to mind someone that something terrible happened to. A victim that lived. But still a victim. I start thinking about degrees of separation. That person is a living link to some kind of atrocity. An incredible person that just might be contagious.
Sometimes I hear horrible stories and feel sorry for the survivors.
Who would want to survive that?
Who would want to live the rest of their preserved lives in the aftermath and memory of something like that.
I would rather have not made it and rested in peace.
Then again, I was never a strong person.
Jack's Christmas That Wasn't (2) - 2008-12-24
Jack's Christmas That Wasn't - 2008-12-24
Jack's Christmas Eve Alone - 2008-12-24
Jack's Christmas Letter To His Asshole Uncle - 2008-12-08
