2008-09-26 - 3:15 p.m.
Jack Was Tenative, But There
There are dreams that you just know.
Even if you do not know just what they mean, you know. Something.
Many of these seem to be about you.
The night before, I had a dream that you were "the kid". I was trying to escape from you. The way I always am these days. But you kept finding me and hugging me. You wanted me to know you loved me.
When I woke up, I could not explain it, but I felt that love. And it was distinctively yours. It felt like, you.
Last night you IM'd me.
You wanted to know if I was there.
I was not going to lie. I was tenative. But I was there.
I didn't know what to expect.
I did know what I did not want to talk about.
All you wanted was to tell me you did not hate me.
I let you know that I knew. She told me. And I was thankful that you let me know somehow. Rather than leaving me in the dark to assume the worst.
Then we talked like nothing ever happened.
I wish I could pretend that was the end of it.
That I had you back. The way you were. And that nothing like that would ever happen again. But I know that is a fucking lie.
Even with the Big If dead, everything is not alright.
Your life is actually pretty good for the moment.
Mine is ok.
But I have played this game with myself for months.
This back and forth game of everything is ok. Not it's not.
You have no control over it, but you do not know what it is doing to me.
Somehow you are dealing with it better than I am.
I never learned how to deal with anything. There was always someone else there to do that for me.
Left to my own devices, I run a little feral.
Fight or Flight.
If you can not run from it, destroy it.
If you can not destroy it, destroy yourself.
I don't know how I can stand by and watch this happening to you. And somehow be okay enough.
I don't know how to move far away from it.
I used to feel that this place, Little Paper Street, was my place to escape and deal with the world. But this has come too close for comfort. From some things there is no escape.
There is nowhere I can go to hide.
Sometimes I don't know how long I can do this.
Jack's Recurring Nightmares Of His Antagonist (2) - 2008-10-22
Jack's Recurring Nightmares Of His Antagonist - 2008-10-22
Jack's Titillated Captivation - 2008-10-10
Jack's Morbid Afternoon Thoughts - 2008-10-01
