2008-09-24 - 4:56 p.m.
Jack Does Not Have The Right To Unhappiness
I am very glad we are having this little "break". Though I am not sure how it could be considered one, when there is not any less contact than before. You never read my journal anymore. You have not read any of my deepest "real" thoughts for months.
After reading that, I never want to cry to you with anything again.
You may have said you don't hate me, but that does not mean you aren't resentful.
In your eyes, I don't have a right to be sad.
My needs are met. I have everything.
You may have been talking to someone else.
But you were thinking of me.
I have probably been written off as a miserable spoiled wet blanket. That loves to cling and cry for attention. And somehow always manages to get it.
I should not have to be sorry that for some reason people want to help me. That the right people come into my life at the right time.
Yeah, in many ways I am living a charmed life.
As charmed as you can manage to live in these times.
But this does not take away the right to be human. To have human feelings. And even on some level, relish the dark and destructive side of my nature.
At the deepest level, I can admit to feeling a sense of entitlement.
On a subconscious metaphysical level, I allow these things to float into my life. Even if it doesn't always happen the way I want or expect. I need to beware not to play the victim. Not to be the victim.
Not to invite the curse that brings the charm.
Though sometimes that is the only thing I understand.
"Only after disaster can we be resurrected."
Blow it all up.
You tried to blow it all up, but it just blew up in your face.
At the deepest level, you are still struggling to maintain a level of independence and control. Your pride gets in the way. You want more than anything to finally be the one who is being taken care of. But you won't let yourself. You have too much faith in yourself and no trust in anyone else. That was why you chose ME.
You have been fending for yourself as long as you have been able to stand up tall enough to cook food at the stove.
You took care of yourself.
You took care of me.
And everyone else.
You wonder, when is it your turn?
But you can not allow yourself the luxury. It is too foreign. It is too much of a contradiction.
You are the only one who can take care of you.
But you don't want to do it anymore.
You said it yourself. You want to be someone's pet.
You were looking for some place warm to give up. A place to call home. Yeah, my home.
And you would never leave.
You would not care how I felt. As far as you are concerned, I do not even have the right to unhappiness.
You have become survival blind.
Jack's Recurring Nightmares Of His Antagonist - 2008-10-22
Jack's Titillated Captivation - 2008-10-10
Jack's Morbid Afternoon Thoughts - 2008-10-01
Jack Was Tenative, But There - 2008-09-26
