2008-09-17 - 7:07 p.m.
Jack's World Without Us
When I was in junior high, I had this recurring fantasy. Fear. Fascination.
Suddenly everyone just disappeared. With no explanation. And I was the last person on Earth.
Sitting in the dark in class, half watching some stupid movie, this thought would bring a smile to my face. Suddenly everything just disappears. Suddenly everything is yours.
I would imagine the incredible silence. Though at that age, I never heard true silence and had no reference. Somehow almost instinctually, I just knew the feeling. And it filled me with delight, and terror.
I went running out of the school as if the final bell had rung. Only there was no one to ring it.
I was not afraid or lonely. I was not devastated or shocked. I was not even asking those questions. Is there a God? Why did this happen? Where is everyone? Why am I the last one?
In this dream, I just accepted things. As maddening and science fiction as they were.
Then from there the world was mine.
Almost every day I went on different adventures in this alternate world in my head. Not all of them were happy. Such as all of the food rotting in the grocery stores. The stench so terrible that I would not even be able to enter some stores anymore.
For a while I was obsessed with this other reality.
Sometimes at night, I was afraid that if I thought too hard about it, I would will everything into non existence.
That was one part of the story I was afraid to think about in too much depth. The nights. The dark silent nights.
Night was sobering for my antisocial mind. But that did not stop me from going there again the next day.
It is disturbing how real I made this for myself and how much thought I put into it. I just wanted everyone to go away. Part of me did anyway.
Part of me wanted this. Part of me was terrified of it really happening.
I entertained this dark fantasy for years. I don't remember when it went away.
Though the part about needing my space never did. That has always been a part of me.
As disturbed as I was, I think it was a provoked response.
I wish I could forget being overdosed on social interaction until I regurgitated it. Then having to swallow it back down and smile.
Or else.
Jack's Morbid Afternoon Thoughts - 2008-10-01
Jack Was Tenative, But There - 2008-09-26
Jack Does Not Have The Right To Unhappiness - 2008-09-24
Jack's World Without Us (2) - 2008-09-17
