2008-09-17 - 5:59 p.m.
Jack's Hypervigilence
I feel like one of those drug addicts that can not stop scratching.
The terrified frustration of not being able to stop scratching at something that just is not there.
Only this is completely in my head.
And my fingernails may as well be razor blades that never lose their edge. No matter how many times they are used.
It is over.
No matter how many times I remind myself, it does not sink in. Somehow I don't believe it.
I killed the Big If.
I shot it in the face.
It is over.
You are ok.
Why can't I leave it alone?
Why can't I stop fighting something that is not even real anymore?
Why can't I stop living in fear. When will my nightmares end?
What is there to be obsessively afraid of?
I am driving myself fucking mad.
How can I know one thing, yet feel another? Are you that big of a threat, that I can never get over something that could have happened? Something that
only happens every night in my sleep?
My therapist thinks I need to find something fun to do.
Something other than writing and thinking too much.
I told her, I have trouble down shifting.
I have trouble disengaging.
I am convinced that there is still some threat. Somewhere. Lurking.
For some reason, I can not stop making it real. Shadow boxing when all I need to do is turn on the light.
I am Jack's Hypervigilence
Maybe I am fucking insane. Maybe you're right. I am crazier than you.
Jack Was Tenative, But There - 2008-09-26
Jack Does Not Have The Right To Unhappiness - 2008-09-24
Jack's World Without Us (2) - 2008-09-17
Jack's World Without Us - 2008-09-17
