2008-09-12 - 5:58 p.m.
Jack Hears Through A Friend He Is Not Hated
You knew me well enough to know what I was thinking.
So through a friend, you let me know that you don't hate me.
You are still in your apartment. A friend helped you get your power back on. You even went to work today.
I can not help but think, "See, you did it without me."
Secretly I am being a little condescending. But more than anything I am happy to hear from you through someone else. You don't feel much like talking either.
You do not hate me, but you are hurt.
You are taking some time. Some space. Something that I need too.
It helps me breathe easier knowing you will not be calling me soon.
I know what I need to know.
If you were like me, you would have played passive aggressive. Let me burn in my self induced hell. Let me rot in the dark. Not knowing. A fucking thing. Hating myself. Assuming the worst.
I should be thankful.
And I am. I am just very tired.
You have no idea how draining you can be.
I feel like I am dealing with Marla all over again.
Though a better analogy would be I feel like Marla, dealing with Tyler/Jack. In the movie.
Every other week your world is collapsing.
The weeks in between you make it to work.
You told my roomate I changed.
Yeah, well I am not the only one.
You think the head injury changed me. I think whatever happened to your head changed you.
Both are true. The dynamics are not the same.
They can not be.
The head injury may have made me more aggressive and highly combative. Defensive is putting it nicely. But part of the change is a lapse in control of what I have always felt, taken to the next power.
And I am sorry that you have become a threat to me.
I felt like I had to defend myself or lose everything.
Considering the alternative would involve me either shooting myself in the head, or walking away from everything. I think I did pretty good.
It only took months, but my therapist finally convinced me that it was not worth destroying or sacrificing myself for you.
The self destructive impulses will never go away.
But for the moment, I did not run away.
I felt like I would rather die than deal with that phone call.
For now I dealt with it. I survived it.
I guess I have changed.
Jack Does Not Have The Right To Unhappiness - 2008-09-24
Jack's World Without Us (2) - 2008-09-17
Jack's World Without Us - 2008-09-17
Jack's Hypervigilence - 2008-09-17
