2008-09-11 - 4:21 p.m.
Jack Is Crushed
This morning I woke up and I could not breathe.
My ribs seemed to be wrapped tight around my lungs.
I felt crushed.
Like road kill decomposing in the ironically tranquil morning sun.
I took a few deep breaths. Trying to inflate my chest.
It did nothing.
I felt crushed.
It wasn't asthma.
I could breathe. But somehow I couldn't.
My head still hurt.
My body felt as if I had spent the night sleeping in my car. Instead of a deep medicated sleep.
At least my heart was not straining to move my unusually heavy blood.
Still I felt sick.
I kind of wished I was dead.
Somehow I made myself get up.
And first thing in the morning, there you were.
You made it through the night.
You had to be somewhere with power. You were on AIM.
You probably hate me, but at least you are still alive.
I really need to stop confusing you with me.
But these days, I never know what you could do.
The more I think about it, the more I realize I don't know you anymore.
I still can't believe I stood up to you. Like some stupid girlfriend.
Only it was my best friend.
Despite what you are thinking, I was not horrible.
Maybe I said some things that I shouldn't have. But I did not tell you off.
You should know me by now. I constantly tell you that I am not trying to be mean.
You know me better than that.
But no matter how well you know me, I was not doing what you wanted. So what did it matter. I was useless to you. Therefore, I can not possibly care.
Believe what you want.
There is no getting through to you.
That was all I was trying to do. Get through to you.
Yeah I was aggressive. I asked hard questions. I made you take a hard look at yourself. You returned the favor, but it was more like striking back. I know I sounded accusing and even hypocritical. Maybe part of me was asking why you failed me. Maybe I did expect more of you. But then again you called expecting everything of me.
I never wanted to make you feel like a failure.
I have not lost my respect for you. But I can no longer look up to you.
You are not accepting the facts. Right now you are not functional. You are incapable of holding a job. You are sick. You have lost control of yourself and your life. You are far more than I could handle. Even if my landlord wanted to run some sort of kennel for the mentally disturbed.
If you can not control yourself how am I supposed to control you.
You will not even let me direct you in the right direction.
You are not listening.
The role reversal has me reeling. Only a few years ago, you were the one giving me these lectures. And I was resentfully hearing because I had to. But you were right, I was not listening.
Time and time again, you said you felt like you were talking to a brick wall.
Yesterday I felt like I was talking to an electric fence.
That was why I had to hang up.
Right now, if you are going to be like this, do not talk to me. Don't bother.
I am sick of your shit.
Jack's World Without Us - 2008-09-17
Jack's Hypervigilence - 2008-09-17
Jack Hears Through A Friend He Is Not Hated - 2008-09-12
Jack Is Missing Half Of Himself - 2008-09-12
