2008-09-12 - 11:55a.m.
Jack Is Missing Half Of Himself
It is a strange feeling.
That estranged sense that half of you is missing.
You keep feeling for something. You do not even really know what. You could never describe it. Even though you know exactly where it hurts.
Something is gone.
Something that lived between you and someone else.
It isn't dead. It just has left home for a while.
And someday it will either come back to you or one day you will unexpectedly find something marked return to sender. That part of me you had. You finally decided to return it.
But you, you will be back.
I know you will.
Just like I knew you wouldn't do anything stupid.
Things might not be the same for a while.
Things might not be the same ever again.
But you will be back.
I am just at a loss.
I am coming close to my breaking point.
I don't know how to deal with you anymore.
I don't know how to handle you.
I am sick of your shit.
It makes me feel like a horrible person to feel like this.
I am afraid that I am losing my compassion, empathy and understanding. Am I becoming one of those obnoxious inhuman "deal with it" people? Or is this one just a little too close to home. Especially since you want to literally drag this into my home. You are threatening my own sanity.
People keep telling me that I need to take care of myself.
Slowly I am realizing that I was raised in a pack mentality. As much as I wanted to be myself, most of the time I was not allowed to have one. Unless it was for the good of the pack. Unless it fit into the the collective dysfunctional mindset.
For years I had a habit of referring to myself as "we".
"Well, we are going to get going."
People laughed "Who, you and your other personalities?"
For years there was no me. There was you and me. Always you before me.
For a long time, I typed "I" as "i". It did not feel right to capitalize that letter in reference to myself.
When people tell me I have to take care of myself, it is an uncomfortable concept. If it involves putting myself before someone else, it feels wrong.
Especially the person is a family member.
You know this.
You know all of my weaknesses.
And I know you are a manipulator. Still knowing this does not make this any easier.
I can not seem to stop punishing myself.
I can not stop second guessing.
Could I have handled this better?
Then I remember that no matter what I did differently, the end results would have been the same.
It is over now.
I need to give myself permission to be human.
I need to take off the same pajamas that I have been wearing for the last 3 days. I need to take a bath. I need to get on with my life and stop feeling sick over you.
Wherever you are, I know you are not feeling like a pathetic dog right now.
I should not have to either.
Jack's World Without Us (2) - 2008-09-17
Jack's World Without Us - 2008-09-17
Jack's Hypervigilence - 2008-09-17
Jack Hears Through A Friend He Is Not Hated - 2008-09-12
