2008-03-12 - 5:01am
It's Only After You've Lost Everything...
I feel like I am being evicted from my own life.
Secretly the plan has always been either kill myself, or walk away.
It was good to know what I would do, if I had to. But this was one of those secret triggers in your pocket you hoped you would never have to pull.
This feels so rehearsed.
This should be so easy.
But it isn't.
All I know is if I have to self sacrifice again it is going to be the last time.
The last time.
I keep praying to the Universe.
Praying to that opening in the sky to have mercy on me.
If not, then I am taking things into my own hands.
I pray for my own survival at the expense of someone else.
I pray for everything to work out.
I pray for horrible things.
Anything.
The gun is in my hand, please don't make me do it.
This isn't a threat. This is an exhausted plea.
This is way more than I could ever handle.
Why is this happening?
To her?
To me?
And most of all, why is it my fucking responsibility to save the fucking world?
I quit.
I don't want to do it anymore.
I am either going to put a bullet in my head and call it good and done, or I am going to walk away and just let you have my life. You want it? You need it? It is yours. Take it.
I can not believe this.
Part of me still refuses to believe this is happening.
I can hardly eat.
Hardly sleep.
There is so much I feel like I should be doing. Yet I do not even know where to start. Where to hide. Where to run. Where to disappear to if it comes down to that. Who I can trust. Who I can talk to. What I should be saying.
This feels like being kicked out of the Antagonist's house all over again.
Why am I so afraid of self preservation?
And so much less afraid of self destruction?
My roomate asked me wouldn't it be better to stay and fight this out, rather than surrendering everything?
No.
It would not be.
You would have to be me to understand.
This is the worst possible time for my therapist to be out of town. It is going to be two weeks before I can see her again.
She said I could call or write her email if I needed to.
But right now I need more than that.
I do not feel safe anymore.
I do not want to find myself squatting in an empty house, calling my roomate. The last contact I have left. Crying to her that I can not go back, but I can not go on like this.
There is so much I should be doing.
And my voice of reason is out of town.
I should be preparing for the best and for the worst.
In some ways I feel like it is already too late.
I just need to remember what my therapist said.
No matter what happens, it is not my fault.
What Jack Should Be Doing And Where He Should Be - 2008-04-11
Jack Finally Sees His Therapist (2) - 2008-04-01
Jack Finally Sees His Therapist - 2008-04-01
The Old Antagonist's Friend Dies - 2008-03-20
