2008-03-10 - 3:36 p.m.
Jack Is Afraid Of Losing Everything
I feel like getting a gun and putting it to my head.
No, I do not feel like talking about it.
Not now or here anyway.
I am not sure I could ever talk about it outside the closed doors of therapy. To anyone other than the secret soothing voice outside my head. My calmly sane anti-Tyler.
I am not sure what I am going to say to my landlord.
I am not sure how I am going to say it.
I am too shaken, terrified and self serving to be tactfully sacrificial.
I want to hide behind the truth.
I want to hide behind your legs.
I want you to take the fall for me.
I feel like a horrible person.
I hate myself.
I hate my life.
These things happen so fast.
Months and months of recurring nightmares are suddenly close to coming true.
Was it all just practice?
Preparation for a reality I can not wake in a sweat from?
Just this morning I woke, half believing it was not just another dream.
Every night I have these dreams.
Every night I wake spared and thankful.
But no less afraid.
Just a few days ago, I put it perfectly:
"I think I am more afraid of losing it or having to give it away, because someone puts a moral gun to my head. Your happiness comes second. You come second. Compromise yourself. Compromise your sanity."
After all it is the "right" thing to do.
I can only pray the game of moral Russian Roulette spares me. The gun is already looking my way.
Never let yourself get too comfortable.
Never let yourself be too happy.
Even after years of living here, I have not let myself feel completely at home. Sometimes in the middle of the night I tell myself this is not my home. My home is somewhere no one would want to go. My secret miserable dirt hole.
I can not pretend that the secret isn't out.
You are not hiding if everyone knows where you are.
Ever since my Mom ruined it for me I have been living in fear. An uncomfortable repressed fear that eats at any false sense of security I believe in during the day.
I am always afraid.
Afraid of losing everything.
This could not have come at a worse time.
Jack Finally Sees His Therapist (2) - 2008-04-01
Jack Finally Sees His Therapist - 2008-04-01
The Old Antagonist's Friend Dies - 2008-03-20
It's Only After You've Lost Everything... - 2008-03-12
