2008-03-07 - 2:55 p.m.
Jack's Festering Apathy
I do not even know how I got here.
I do not feel like myself.
All I feel is dead.
I am Jack's Festering Apathy.
I have lost interest in life.
There is no sense of continuity.
There is no sense of this even being mine.
It is something I have to do. For someone else.
I do not have any say in any of it.
No say in anything that happens to me.
It just happens.
With or without my consent.
I wanted my therapist to save me.
No one else is going to.
And I can not do it myself.
I wanted her to save me from this.
From myself and my miserable role in this world.
I am literally stuck.
I feel like throwing myself at her feet and saying I just can not do this anymore.
I can not go on like this.
I want my life back.
I want it to be mine again.
I want to feel infinite and strangely at peace with existence, even when I am fighting myself in turbulant circles.
I want to remember what it feels like to look at the stars, with nothing else on my mind. I want to remember what they mean to me.
I want to remember to breathe once in a while.
Not that deep frustrated breath that somehow keeps you from crying. A living breath.
I need to stop and remember just what it was that I was living for.
Lately, I just don't know anymore.
I almost feel if I was suddenly free again I would not even know what to do. I am not sure I would believe it.
I might just live like I am going to lose everything any given second. Never let yourself get too comfortable. Never let yourself be too happy.
(Actually I already do. Almost every night I dream of losing everything I do have.)
After what the Antagonist did to me, I am not sure if I can ever let myself get too comfortable anywhere or with anything.
My therapist says that deep down, I do not feel like I deserve anything.
I think I am more afraid of losing it or having to give it away, because someone puts a moral gun to my head. Your happiness comes second. You come second. Compromise yourself. Compromise your sanity.
I don't know.
This is how things are.
There is nothing I can do about it.
There is nothing that can save me.
Nothing can relieve, please or release me.
There is nowhere for me to run.
So I keep pulling deeper and deeper into myself and feeling increasingly angry and dissatisfied.
I just can not take care of myself the way I used to.
I do not know how to satisfy this raging empty hunger.
This crushed screaming dissatisfaction with everything.
I do not even know what I want anymore.
Ok, so maybe I do.
I am Jack's Private El Dorado.
I do not know how to free myself. How to fuel myself.
I do not know how to find what is left of the love inside myself.
I have fallen out of love with everything.
I have given up and died to how things really are. I shut down and forgot how to live.
I have become so eroded and conditioned, what if I never snap out this?
On some self defeating level, I do not even want to try. I do not care about anything enough. Everything costs too much. Anything good is near impossible to achieve, and I do not want to waste any more time dying trying.
I do not have the strength. The power. The passion and energy. It seems I am constantly asking "Where did all my energy go?"
I wish there was somewhere I could go, where I could trick myself into being happy for at least a little while.
But there is nowhere.
I can not even enjoy passing joy, because I know it is just that. Passing.
So I have crawled into myself and died.
At one time, I would crawl into myself to live. But there is nothing left. There is no one home.
I have become a dark abandoned house.
All the copper wire ripped out.
Anything of value stolen or smashed on the floor.
Resentment is a squatter here and lives amoung the broken glass, cutting itself often.
It burns because there is nothing else to do.
I burn because there is nothing else I can do.
I need to have a long talk with myself. Or Tyler.
But I do not know what good it would do. I never listen..
I need some time to come around. Naturally. Quietly.
All the motivation in the world is not enough if I can not feel anything.
I need a while to forget about my failures in a green warm place where nothing matters.
I need to find a way out of this before it gets even later. We passed too late some time ago but I was the only one who noticed.
But I am not the one driving. I do not own the road. It has a mind of its own. Right about now I feel like jumping out the car window, and letting it drive away mindlessly without me. That just might be the only way off this ride.
Save yourself.
I can not help but wonder is there anything left to save. Is there anything even worth trying to save?
I am too tired to think about these questions.
I am tired. Just tired.
I want to rest.
The Old Antagonist's Friend Dies - 2008-03-20
It's Only After You've Lost Everything... - 2008-03-12
Jack Is Afraid Of Losing Everything - 2008-03-10
Jack Does Not Know What He Is Living For - 2008-03-07
