Jack's Extras

Jack's Unsentimental New Year

For New Years, usually I like to either get a little drunk somewhere, or stay home and do the introspective thing. This year I did neither.

And I have no regrets.

I just wanted to be left the fuck alone.

I was not in the mood to celebrate or even stay up and get overly sentimental and reflective.

There was nothing to celebrate. And too much to think about. I did not want to see anyone. I can not drink with my meds. Even if I could, I still would have hid behind it as an excuse.

I was tired of being bothered by the holidays already.

I just wanted to be done.

Wake me when its over.

Let them have their fun. Without me.

Let them celebrate the passing of time. Another year of their lives, gone.

Somehow, this time I found it depressing and meaningless.

Let me pretend that your meaningless silly calendar does not apply to me.

Let me pretend that nothing really happens at midnight.

For a moment, let me be at peace with the illusion that I will not come out of the end of another year, so much different than I had came in. So changed. And not for better.

I just want to know that things will not change anymore than they already have.

I just need to know that I will be okay. Somehow.

This year was hard enough.

I do not want another one.

I just want to exist in a vacuum that is neither last year or this one. I want to go somewhere where the squares will not find me. Somewhere, where the man made laws of time do not apply. Somewhere far away from months, days of the week, and years.

Let them say their time death rosaries one square shaped bead at a time. I want no part of it anymore.

But there is no escape.

And it makes me feel so tired all the time.

I am not having any hopes, expectations or even resolutions for this new year. It is very unsentimetal this year.

Not like it means anything, but I take some comfort in the fact that I started the New Year the same way, back when I was in Isolation.

Maybe I will find a little peace.

Maybe you can only really find peace after you have become this exhausted and give up hope.

Still, I keep asking what is this year going to do to me?

I am almost afraid to believe it is all over.

"In Tyler We Trust"

The Moment - Change Over

The Old Antagonist's Friend Dies - 2008-03-20
It's Only After You've Lost Everything... - 2008-03-12
Jack Is Afraid Of Losing Everything - 2008-03-10
Jack Does Not Know What He Is Living For - 2008-03-07
Jack's Festering Apathy - 2008-03-07