2007-12-24 - 1:35 p.m.
Jack Examines His Christmas Resentment
This time of year does a lot to me.
I have always said that Christmas brings out the worst in people.
And while I am not pushing and shoving my way through packed stores, getting into fist fights over parking spots and this year's hottest to kill and die for item, I can admit that Christmas brings out the worst in me too. Just in a different way.
I hate Christmas.
Every year, at the sight of the first Christmas commercials, I get this sickening sense of dread and anxiety. Of an invisible steel trap hanging over my head just waiting to snap and crush me. Christmas has me in its trap again.
I begin to panic and worry and I can not stop.
Every year, Christmas gets me so depressed, stressed out and worked up that I make myself sick. Literally.
Back in the beginning of November, I got sick like I always do this time of year. All it took was seeing them putting up the garlands and bows on the street lights along the roads, before it was even Thanksgiving. I became so stressed out that two days later I was having asthma and the beginning of bronchitis. Congestion pooled in my deep lungs and I was sure it would be there all winter. Like it is almost every year.
I had to use my inhaler for a few days. There seemed to be an endless amount of congestion to cough up. I thought for sure I would be sick all winter.
Somehow, miraculously it went away on its own. I think my meds actually helped me physically as well as psychologically. Since there is a limit on how stressed I can get now, they probably stopped me from escalating and completely crashing my system.
My immune system actually had a chance to clear things up. Still, I have been excessively tired. I still feel weak and run down. I have no energy and have been drinking one or two cups of real coffee a day now. I could probably easily get sick all over again if I am not careful.
Yes Christmas upsets me this much.
I wish I could tell everyone I am not doing Christmas. Do not get me anything. I am not even coming over. You can see me later.
But I am just not that socially bold? Inept. Sociopathic?
As much as I hate this, I feel helpless to do anything but go along with it. Humor everyone else. Let the world have its fun. Have its way with me.
If you can not beat them, (violently or verbally) then you may as well join them, right?
You can not stop a train. Especially a train that is being driven by money, that more than half the world is riding.
It is just so commercial this year. Even my landlord noticed. Christmas isn't even Christmas anymore. The original sentiment has become outdated and obsolete. If it was not for the presents, it would not even be celebrated anymore. It would revert back to the church holiday it started as.
It kind of depresses me in a weird way.
But at the same time, helps me distance myself from it.
It doesn't even feel like Christmas this year.
To me, it is just like a really really long sale on TV. Not much different than an extended Christmas in July. I am not even slightly nostalgic, warm or fuzzy. I am not merry or bright, or any of that crap.
I never am but somehow I am not even feeling a little good. There is nothing to warm me, even a little. I am just not feeling it. I have a strange feeling no one else really is either.
Maybe we are all feeling the same guilty financial stress of either breaking ourselves to give people gifts, or feeling bad for being able to give anything.
Maybe I am not alone.
Maybe I am not the only one who feels like they have to participate whether they want to or not.
Maybe I am not the only one feeling guilt because I am giving people things more because I have to, than because I care and want to.
I try to be sincere, but I always feel that icicle sticking in my back.
I am Jack's Forced Participation.
I can not help but feel resentful.
Anything I have to do, usually is met with resentment.
And what gets to me even more than having to buy things for people is having to see them. All. I have to see them for Christmas. I just have to. I can't not see someone for Christmas.
No offense against anyone.
But when you have social anxiety Christmas is a fucking nightmare.
That is one of the biggest reasons I hate the holidays. All of the obligated, forced getting together. That everyone else seems to love so much.
I know, I should shut up and be thankful there are people who love me and want to see me. But it does not really make me feel loved. It makes me feel anxious and depressed and trapped. It makes me feel resentful with myself. Like pushing everyone away. Just leave me alone. You can see me later. One at a time.
I do not like the feeling that everyone wants a piece of me.
Everyone wants something from me. Even if it just my presence.
Everyone wants something. And I have nothing. Nothing but self loathing.
I am broken and tired. There is nothing left to see here.
It is draining to try to explain and defend myself.
I feel like everything I say needs to be justified or passed off with the excuse that I am a failure. Depending on how it is received.
I feel like, just don't talk to me at all. You are just going to be an ass no matter what I say anyway. I may as well be one first. Maybe you will get the point.
Stupid questions get stupid answers.
I know I am horrible.
I am an asshole.
I make you as uncomfortable as you make me.
You do not even know how to approach me anymore.
I do not even see it, but I always start it. Somehow.
I am overly sensitive.
I am paranoid.
I am defensive and offensive.
I am angry and hurting and do not even know why. For some reason I take it out on you. And perceive it as you starting shit with me first.
Secretly I want you to punch me in the face.
I want you to piss on me.
I want to lay curled on the floor while you kick me.
So I curl your hands into fists for you. And see aggression in your every move. And the public self depreciation and humiliation begins.
And all this time, I never even knew I played this sick little game against myself. I am still not entirely sure if it is all me. Maybe I feel like I need to be punished and degraded.
This time of year brings me sadness, disappointment and self loathing.
Maybe part of me does want to kick Santa in the balls for being a big fucking lie.
The magic is dead.
All that is left is the cold commercial truth.
It's Only After You've Lost Everything... - 2008-03-12
Jack Is Afraid Of Losing Everything - 2008-03-10
Jack Does Not Know What He Is Living For - 2008-03-07
Jack's Festering Apathy - 2008-03-07
