2007-03-16 - 10:07 p.m.
The Defining Movie Of Jack's Life
It's kind of funny.
How this whole writing again thing started.
Well, it had been in the back of my head for some time. It was just a little closer, the last few days. I even started listening to the music I always listened to when this was at its height. If you could call it that.
Alice in Chains. Unplugged and Nothing Safe. The soundtrack of my life going to hell, mixed with nostalgic memories of smoking weed and going to college. The smell of cream colored paint. The Autumn of my days living at the old Antagonist's house. The beginning of the end of a whole era of my life. After the car accident, after being kicked out of the Old Antagonist's house, I was never the same person. Who I was before that, is not someone any of you knew. He wrote the first few entries of this journal, before dying in a car accident. The person I am never could have happened, if he never died. So many of these songs are about my life. This is Jack's Pissed Off Little Soundtrack.
The Lost Highway soundtrack. I have never seen the movie. I bought this for only a few tracks originally. Trent Reznor's "Perfect Drug". Marilyn Manson's "Apple of Sodom". Smashing Pumpkin's "Eye". The funny thing about this is, after seeing Fight Club, I heard these songs in a whole new way. Before I bought the Fight Club soundtrack, this was my Fight Club music. Lately, I have been addicted to the first track David Bowie's "I'm Deranged." I have been listening to this song several times a day. These songs still are about Fight Club to me, and always will be.
Pink Floyd The Wall, and Dark Side of The Moon. During Isolation, I listened to The Wall every day. Then later when it was almost all over, Tyler introduced me to the Dark Side of The Moon. In fact, I got the term "perfect isolation" from listening to The Wall. "Perfect isolation, here behind the wall." And that was exactly what I was living. It soon became shortened to Isolation.
System Of A Down, Steal This Album. Another Isolation soundtrack. This and The Wall were played in repeat and almost exclusively for weeks. Maybe months. When I miss Isolation, this is almost always the album I reach for.
Megadeth, The World Needs A Hero. Like those Alice in Chains albums, these songs are about my life. This was played heavily during Isolation as well. I wrote many entries about the Antagonist listening to this. I got over Marla listening to these songs. This might just be me at my most angry, hurt and self loathing.
I found myself wanting to listen to these songs again. In a strange way, I missed myself. I missed the better times of some of the worst times of my life. I missed being a terrible person. I missed being a loving person. I missed feeling at all.
I missed doing this.
But all of that was only almost enough.
What really did it was the other night at dinner, my landlord put in Fight Club.
It was kind of funny.
Lately he has been buying a lot of movies off Ebay. That is his answer to PBS pledge break.
Anyway, he has a pile of movies on top of the little TV in the kitchen. He did not think I would notice if Fight Club was one of them. And I didn't until he began taking it out of the box. I saw just the end corner of the box and recognized it immediately. He could hardly believe it.
He had wanted to surprise me, but I knew what it was before he even had it out of the box.
I laughed and told him this was my movie. I would recognize it anywhere. Even just part of the box.
He knows it is my favorite movie, but I do not think he knows the extent of it.
This is the defining movie of my life.
There was a time in my life, when I watched it every day.
And every day it was the same vicarious experience.
It had been a while since I had seen it. All the way through anyway. Sometimes I only watch certain scenes off the DVD.
And still, even having seen it so many times, watching it again, the vicarious experience was the same.
There was me.
There was Tyler.
There was Marla.
There was Paper Street.
There was my landlord and the dinner I was mindlessly eating. In real life. At Little Paper Street.
There was the defining movie of my life.
There was me living vicariously.
I do not even remember my landlord taking my dish away. I did not even remember what I just ate. I had think about it. Yeah I was that gone.
And when it ended, I felt that strange after Fight Club back to reality sadness. There is nothing else like it. It is that feeling. That only watching Fight Club can give you.
I am a very vicarious person. There are other things I experience vicariously and they have their own after sadness. But it is not that Fight Club feeling.
Laying in bed feeling that strange feeling, I suddenly had to write again. It just made sense.
At least for now, this just feels right.
It's Only After You've Lost Everything... - 2008-03-12
Jack Is Afraid Of Losing Everything - 2008-03-10
Jack Does Not Know What He Is Living For - 2008-03-07
Jack's Festering Apathy - 2008-03-07
