2006-09-15 - 4:38 p.m.
Jack Is Running Again
I am running again.
Running.
Running.
Running.
Exhausting myself.
And yet I still keep running.
An abused machine apparently trying to destroy itself. Drive itself over the edge once and for all. There will be no putting a bandaid on this, and throwing it back out into the world, to continue down its amusing path of destruction.
You could look me in the eye.
You could hold the door for me.
You could feel a little warmth coming off of me when I thank you. Sincerely for the smallest of paid favors. For telling me to have a nice day. For bagging my groceries. Reminding me to take my change and receipt.
You can look at me and think that I am a nice enough person.
When you look at me as a person at all.
When you can catch me at a stand still.
I look so calm. So ordinary.
I make you laugh. I listen to you on the phone for hours.
But do you even know me?
The only place I have is where I am directly standing. And that is entirely circumstancial.
I am rusting from the inside.
I am running myself into the ground and I am doing it right in front of you. So still. So calm. So unassuming.
My mind the garbage that no one feels like taking out. I stand on the bag every day, repressing, compressing the contents further down my own throat. And smiling about it. I think I am so smart. If I wait long enough, this will all rot away and just disappear. Bag and all. Never mind the smell. The flies? I just put them in my pockets.
Sometimes I wonder if the rest of the world can hear the buzzing. If I should go away and find somewhere to decompose in peace. I am a walking compost heap. Don't mind me.
Honestly between just you and me, I can not stand myself. I fucking smell. I am disgusting. Pathetic and horrible.
And so I run.
Run.
Run.
From the one thing I can not escape.
And I ask myself, what would happen if I stopped running and stood still.
It's Only After You've Lost Everything... - 2008-03-12
Jack Is Afraid Of Losing Everything - 2008-03-10
Jack Does Not Know What He Is Living For - 2008-03-07
Jack's Festering Apathy - 2008-03-07
