2006-06-13 - 2:41 p.m.
Jack's Neurotic Moment Of Honesty
It is no secret, that I have been having trouble coming back for some time now.
A large part of it is feeling so tired of feeling the need to be on all the time. To cinematically blow everyone away all the time. I am just a regular person. A very tired, human person. Not some sort of larger than life character designed to entertain the masses.
I don't know if I am exaggerating or projecting my own demands onto my audience, but I am not sure I am ready to be back in the public eye of Diaryland yet.
There was alot that I needed to get away from.
Alot.
Such as the obsessive checking of the list of people who linked to me. It got so bad that I would check it 6 or 7 times a day. Sometimes more than that. I copy pasted the list and saved it as a Word file, so that when someone deleted me I could compare lists and pin point exactly who. It was becoming a neurotic and unhealthy obsession. It owned me.
The thing is, when someone deleted me, whether or not I read, knew or even LIKED that person, I sustained a horrible ego blow that made me question if my writing and my life were worth anything. It was even worse if they left a really great comment at one time.
I felt lied to now.
This was what I needed to get away from.
The popularity pissing contest of online journaling.
It is what I am afraid of falling back into.
When I started this journal my life felt worthless. I depended on these people I did not know, and the things they said to give it value. The power was in their hands. I was just stock now. A thing of volatile value that the market and the people determined the worth of.
This slowly became a hollow draining addiction. A drug that just was not fun anymore. And still, you can not stop doing this to yourself. Your arms, veins and soul are full of holes. Your eyes are red, tired and bleeding. And still you continue on. Because you have to. Because you do not know what else to do for that next hit of gratification and warm reassurance. That someone could take away from you at any moment.
The stakes became higher and higher. Finally I broke. I couldn't take it anymore. I could not think, talk, or even be myself anymore. The entire purpose was defeated.
Share myself completely.
Yeah.
Right.
Not anymore.
Remembering this, and feeling more secretive and buttoned down than ever, is what is making it so hard to come back.
It's Only After You've Lost Everything... - 2008-03-12
Jack Is Afraid Of Losing Everything - 2008-03-10
Jack Does Not Know What He Is Living For - 2008-03-07
Jack's Festering Apathy - 2008-03-07
