2006-02-02 - 5:22 p.m.
Jack Could Not Sleep Because He Was Dying
***I wrote this last night in my paper journal.***
Fuck it.
Just fuck it.
I am too fucking tired to fight off Thursday tonight.
I am too tired to stay up another 15 minutes. Yet alone all night.
What is one less pot of coffee anyway?
One less CD listened to.
More words eaten, swallowed and forgotten.
What is just one more night anyway?
Another night, not unlike many other nights I have had, that I will just forget about by next week anyway.
I don't know.
But I still want it.
I am missing something that never even happened.
Night used to be my favorite time.
It was my time.
Not so much lately.
Not tonight.
I just do not have the fucking energy. Somewhere, I am lacking the will to be awake. Despite having the desire to.
I am Jack's Angry Desires.
All of my desires are angry these days. Not hateful. Just angry.
I am heavy and tired and cold.
I am giving up for the night, but I feel like I am giving up on my life.
I should be happy. I get to sleep.
If I knew my dreams would be worth it, I would feel better.
If tomorrow was not Thursday, I probably would not care as much.
If I did not have to work at all, I would just shut up and enjoy my food coma.
Maybe I would not be counting my days off on my fingers. Suddenly aware of the living chemical reaction called death.
That catalyst clock slowly killing itself inside me.
And I feel it.
And for a moment it becomes hard to breathe.
No one would take me seriously if I called them up and said I couldn't sleep because I was dying.
It's Only After You've Lost Everything... - 2008-03-12
Jack Is Afraid Of Losing Everything - 2008-03-10
Jack Does Not Know What He Is Living For - 2008-03-07
Jack's Festering Apathy - 2008-03-07
