2008-04-11 - 8:13 p.m.
Jack Is Tired Of The Human Condition
****On the same note the last entry left off on, I am writing some late thoughts on Daylight Savings, time, life and what my therapist calls the human condition.****
What the fuck do we need Daylight Savings for?
As if time is not pissing by fast enough already.
Just fast forward my life.
My perception of it anyway.
Even though I tried not to notice that one hour was missing, I still did.
I noticed for days. Even when I was not looking at the clock. I felt it. Something was missing. Subconsciously, I felt around for something until I adjusted enough to think I found it. That or just accepted this as normal.
The older I get the more these things bother me.
I do not feel I have the rest of my life ahead of me.
I do not feel immortal or forever in my terrible 20's. Passionate, existential and disturbed. A disgruntled tormented seeker, always wanting something more. But secretly never wanting to get to the end of the road. Never wanting to completely figure himself or his life out.
He lived for the potential of things.
He was afraid to get to the end only to be terribly disappointed.
And I am.
Maybe I am just becoming an ornery old asshole. I have always been an ornery young asshole.
I feel like there is less and less time. Less and less of my life left to be lived.
I told my therapist that sometimes I lay in bed and realize time is passing. I really realize, and KNOW that right now, I am dying.
She said I feel that way, because its true.
I asked her is there any sort of plateau? Will time slow down when I reach a certain age? Once I have accepted myself as old. Unfortunately she and everyone else older than me that I have asked, have all said no. Time only continues to move faster and faster.
There is no plateau.
Once you get over the hill, years worth of momentum only builds behind you like a train, pushing you faster and faster.
This is not what I wanted to hear.
An 80 year old woman I work with told me my 30's will pass even faster than my 20's. I need to cherish each day.
I do not cherish every day, I hold onto it with a fucking death grip.
I can not say I really get the most out of my life this way.
But when I always feel like I am running out of time, this is all I am capable of doing.
And I would not feel this way if I was living the way I wanted to.
Living on their time is killing me. Literally.
A few Christmases ago, my roomate got me a Fight Club clock that says "This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time"
As cool as it is, I do not use it. It would fuck with my head too much. If I had a miserable desk job I would hang it in my cubicle. It would be a nice effect and make a point.
Imagine how you would feel setting that clock an hour ahead.
Personally I think we need to fall back two hours and stay there.
This is my life. And it is ending one minute at a time.
On your clock. On your terms.
I am tired of abiding.
Tired of living and dying by their time structure.
I told my therapist I feel like there is always a gun to my head, or sticking in my back. It tells me to do it. Or else. Its voice sounds an awful lot like the Old Antagonist's.
My whole fucking life has been "do it or else".
Well, I am fucking sick of doing it. I am even more sick of or else.
My therapist said that I don't have to do it, but there are consequences.
And that is the problem right there. Consequences. Consequences are the bullet that gives the gun its power. Without bullets, a gun loses all meaning.
And it is that loaded gun nestled in my back, that makes me keep fucking walking.
I explained my life to her like this.
Imagine a horse coming out of a barn early in the morning. The horse takes the long way, walking all the way around the base of a hill to the other side. Once it gets to the other side, it spends all day climbing the hill, then making its way back down. It goes back into the barn for the night. And it all starts again the next morning.
Now imagine this happening over and over, really fast.
That is how I feel about my life right now.
My therapist loves to turn my metaphors around on me. She said what if the horse loves doing that? She loves her life routine.
Yeah, well. I used to be like that. I loved making and living by my little routines. I found security in reptition. But I fucking hate it now.
She said that I need to find little things along my daily path that bring me joy and happiness.
To me those things are just bandaids over bullet holes. They are not strong enough they just fall off. Silly temporary fixes. They just end, and you are brought right back to "this".
I tried to explain to her that no matter how routines vary in little ways, as varied as the people living them, underneath they are all the same.
You wake up. Do your morning thing. You work your shit job. You come home and watch shit TV. Do your night thing. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
Work your shit job. Pay your shit bills. Die your shit death.
My therapist said softly that it doesn't have to be shit. Well, to me it all is. I am sick of it all. It is all the same fucking equation. Applied over and over infinitely.
She was quiet for a second, and then broke it to me that this was the human condition.
Yeah, well it might be. But it is not good enough for me.
She asked me what would make me happy.
And I told her I wanted to live like I did in Isolation again. Only permanantly. It was a taste of almost everything I dreamed of.
I was free of everything.
That is all I want.
She said that it is unrealistic, unhealthy, and probably was not the best thing for me. It was just a fantasy. An unsustainable fantasy. I have to move on and make a life I enjoy.
I do not think I can.
It does not matter how "good" I make my life. It is all bandaids over bullet holes. Pretty facades. It almost seems like a waste of time to rearrange my life. I never feel happy with it. I am always unsatisfied. I am always left longing.
I am the seeker that gave up because there is nothing to find. Every time I find myself searching, I am reminded of that fact.
I can not find joy in keeping the wolf from my door. Sometimes it seems easier to have no joy in living.
It just depresses me.
Happiness is a warm sun lit stained glass window. Waiting to be broken. It only lasts so long before a rock shatters the illusion. Revealing the cold hard outside world.
Most of the time I would rather just board up the windows. And just forget.
Depression is so painfully clear.
It doesn't lie to you.
But in the dark, you can lie to you.
I told my therapist this one of the reasons I love Fight Club so much. It is the truth. She disagreed and said it was fantasy. I said the fundamental philisophy is the truth. She said it is not her truth. Well it is mine.
I explained a lot of Fight Club is about being tired of the "human condition."
She said what she always says when we talk about Fight Club and my identity obsession with it.
She said I need to stop living this fantasy and live my life.
I told her I am tired of life.
I have outgrown the one size fits all "human condition."
It is like I am sitting in a baby wading pool, being elbowed and kicked by too many kids. I can not even move. All I can do is sit here and wait until I die so I can go into the ocean.
She smiled and said I need to move into a bigger pool.
I would, but I don't think there is one.
According to her, what I need is a near death experience.
Then I would appreciate just how beautiful and amazing life is.
Too bad I already had one.
Nothing serious. But I almost died of a drug overdose in the dentist's office when I was having my wisdom teeth removed.
Still right now if I died there would be no regrets. Nothing important left undone. Where I am now there is not anything more that I can have, experience or do. Nothing to really live for.
Maybe this will change later, but I feel like the better part of my life is behind me.
Maybe my life does not matter.
If only I could accept the liberation in that statement and run with it.
Giving up and letting go are not the same thing.
What Jack Should Be Doing And Where He Should Be - 2008-04-11
Jack Finally Sees His Therapist (2) - 2008-04-01
Jack Finally Sees His Therapist - 2008-04-01
The Old Antagonist's Friend Dies - 2008-03-20
