2011-12-22 - 6:33 p.m.
Jack's Ever Present Fear
Sometimes I wonder, will I ever be able to live a life free of anxiety, paranoia, and panic attacks?
Will I ever be able to shake the ever present fear of abandonment? The dread feeling that things are okay. Only for now.
That I am walking on thin ice with everyone and everything.
That no one likes me, and I deserve it.
I can rationalize it away all I want. But it only lasts so long, before I am on the floor again. Sweating and desperate for another hit.
If I could huff, snort, inject, smoke or drink the instant truth, I would. I would find myself doing it again and again. No matter what it was doing to my body and mind.
Because I just HAVE to have it. I have to know NOW, that everything is okay.
With less of my real medication in my blood stream, I am realizing that "better" is subjective.
Maybe the best I can accomplish is simply to take my nighty kill switches. Just cover it all up. Disable it so it does not disable ME.
I might have to just be okay with the fact that as great as my therapist has been, I am going to have be on something for the rest of my life.
I am left wondering if years ago I crashed my mental health head on into a brick wall. Broke myself. Permanently.
If something is within your head, shouldn't you be able to right it? Yourself. Whatever that takes?
If your mind created the neuroses, shouldn't it be able to disable them?
What is at the heart of it all?
What needs to be faced?
Where is the black dirt breeding grounds of all these fears and insecurities?
Jack's Christmas Wasn't Always Like This (2) - 2011-12-20
Jack's Christmas Was Not Always Like This - 2011-12-20
Jack's Christmas Invitation - 2011-12-20
Jack The Unreliable Narrator - 2011-11-15
